10. If Gingrich makes America an English-only country, then George W. Bush will finally have to learn to pronounce the word “nuclear” correctly.
9. Only the icy cold heart of Newt Gingrich can defeat global warming.
8. Doesn’t Gingrich deserve the chance to add just one more incident to his astonishing record of ethics violations?
7. Gingrich promises a two-for-one offer on removal of the communists hiding under your family’s bed.
6. It’s okay to eliminate the Environmental Protection Agency, because, really, who needs protection from the environment?
5. Only a historian like Gingrich can understand how, when the Founding Fathers forbade an religious test for public office and prohibited Congress from taking any action to establish religion, what they really meant is that church and state should be mixed together.
4. A permanent moon base could mean more Tang for everyone
3. We can’t allow the USA to be a food stamp nation any longer, because things get really messy when we make food out of stamps.
2. If we help Newt feel patriotic enough, he’ll get a new girlfriend.
1. Once Newt Gingrich gets elected, he’ll finally have a job, and can take a bath.
